Diary

October 2024

October 28th (12:12pm)

been a while! kind of had a weird week. my hand hurts very bad lmao but tis what it tis. i'm tired and i ran out of my adderall too sighs. there's so much stuff i need to deal with but i super don't want to because it costs money which i dont haveeeee.

October 20th (6:51pm)

today is ok. pretty glum but i got to do just about nothing today which is nice. i like not having to do shit LOL. i dont wanna go to work tomorrow at all... i have sick time but i'd just feel guilty about it. i'll think about it and if i really don't feel it then maybe.

October 18th (2:22pm)

today is going alright so far. pretty tired, i'll be honest. but that's probably because i ran out of my sleeping pills yesterday. dude ok writing with my hand brace on is weird because i wanna type faster! and yet i'm being held back by the scruff of my neck.

i should see a doctor about my wrist issue but i work 6 days a week literally when do i have the time. which reminds me i should talk to my boss about switching my days off from tuesday to monday... that way i will at least get a weekend most weeks rather than getting one day off then 6 days straight of work.

i know i complain about that a lot and yes i took the job but no matter who i beg to listen to me all i get is whatever life is just like that live with it. maybe when i drop from exhaustion then someone'll listen but i'm sure what'll i'll hear is "ummm you should be blacking out on your own time only... gonna dock your pay..."

the other coworker i talk to isn't here either and never replied to my messages. i know we've all got a lot but maybe im setting myself up for dissapointment. other people are not like me--when i say i will be there for someone if they need me, i actually mean it and go out of my way to make sure others are alright. i don't expect this of others, but it would be nice to be spoken to outside of when someone's wants something or wants to use me as their listening post while refusing to give me the time of day when i try a sliver of the same behavior. alassssss.

honestly, this stuff has made me feel a little crazy. it's so heartbreaking how many people nowadays are very isolationist, very "i am here for ME and only me, screw the rest of you," when we're supposedly a team. i hate it man

anyways. day 5 of my 6 day work week. i'm just so exhausted but i can't say this to my mom because she goes um why take the job then... maybe the 5,000 dollar credit card bill you received will explain why mom. it's either i do everything in my power to make some financial contribution to the household or i resign myself to becoming homeless because if i do nothing we 100% will and have already been threated on that before.

October 17th (7:20pm)

dude work today fucking sucked. i sobbed my guts out lmao. i asked that coworker whos been rly distant with me if ive done something and she said no again but said she didnt know what i was talking about re: the things i have seen that made me feel there was something up. and like. i asked if she wanted me to explain where i was coming from. she said no, those are my feelings and she can't change them. ok... i wasn't going to talk feelings i was going to say facts such as we talk less. that's a fact!

she went on to inform me that she's just there to work, not to make my day any better, and that we were just coworkers and she's not changing anything about who she is. this made me burst into tears and honestly her tone was so cold. i wasn't asking her to change!! or make me her priority!! i said NOTHING like this at all but she assumed that's what i meant.

i had to leave the room when i started crying because i was so humiliated. how can someone who not two months ago claimed i was her friend now say to my face we're just coworkers. why fucking lie then! as i left she kept asking if something else was going on, and frankly yes, but not something id be sharing with someone who's just a coworker.

anyways. im going forward with the assumption that she sees me as nothing but a coworker and not to get my hopes up anymore that she actually means what she says to me.

another thing is i was trying to talk to a different coworker who i've grown close to but she decided not to reply to my message today. if this is people avoiding me because i was sad, i sure wish they'd actually ask me what is best first before assuming because this shit hurts man.

oh well. it's just a job and i can get through it. i have to come to terms with the fact that i have no work friends and my coworkers don't value me or what i have to say. so i'll just keep my head down and work. oh and next time she wants me to cover her being late? think again. we're just coworkers after all.

October 16th (9:51pm)

soooo i got my font working, which is a win! but it is soooo small lol. im trying to figure out how to make it bigger, at least for the links cause they look messy.....

update -- 10:10pm

guess who got shit working?!

10:43pm

alright i think its fine for now. going to SLEEP fr

October 15th, 2024 (1:05pm)

oops i started that last entry right as i had to go elsewhere lol. alas. im at lunch once again but im right at the end of it. technically i didn't start my lunch until about 12:30, but i dont think i can get away with taking until 1:30 for my lunch :p im not entirely sure if it's something i have to ask permission for is the thing? but i guess it is better to just do it and ask for forgiveness later or whatever the hell that saying is.

been making gifs again! i really enjoy it. i think i make it more difficult than it needs to be though... i keep trying to gif shows that are extremely hard to color and make less grainy. but sometimes they come out super good! and im remembering how to make them again. may try to get some different stuff to play with that's easier to color/has flat colors that i can work with instead of gradient city.

October 10th, 2024 (12:52pm)

greetingssss!!! im finishing up my lunch today and it's going well so far :) im a bit groggy but my day is like, half over.

October 9th, 2024 (7:17pm)

yooo today was actually ok!!! seems my coworker is ok now? it was almost like it was 2+ weeks ok. so ill take it lol! at least i didnt have to have a weird convo like i did tht one time with x ugh. its so insane to think that was how we started our proffesional relationship LOL. but hey, it's all good.

other than that, im high again. i need to take a break but its rly hard. im just soooo. i dont wanna be bored and its so stupid i should just be bored. like do it bored fr. i know i make all these life decisions to start doing changes w/ my life but i feel it in my heart. im 27 and im having more issues than i should. omg chloe keeps licking my screen GIRRLLLLL. she's right tho i need to clean it. ughh i need more money lol.

October 9th, 2024 (12:47pm)

well, i wanted to try this again. it's hard because i have no clue what to say half the time and when i reread it personally i cringe soooo much. damn you wrote this?? yknow. but i know in my heart of hearts that it does help me get things out but i continue to drag my feet.

things are sort of ok. i'm pretty sad over something i feel like may not actually have anything to do with me but still. it's a coworker thing and one of them is talking to me differently than before... if they do when they come in, i may just pull em aside and say hey are we ok?

the main reason it hurts is because this is coming from a person i've gotten to know these past few months here at my job, and they've been so kind to me. through thick and thin, i was sure. but i feel like i may have done something because it's different now. i am also anxious as hell all the time but that's neither here nor there.

i did ask sometime last week if we were ok, and got a vague "yeah we're fine, always" which was a little reassuring. it is hard though when it feels like each time i walk in a room, conversations end abruptly, and when i leave i hear them start up again. plus, it sometimes seems this coworker and another cant seem to get out of the room fast enough... anyways. i have to move on and not let it cloud my day.